Dealing with bladder or bowel issues can be really tough, and it can be hard to talk about with your partner.

We totally get it. But don’t worry, you can still have great relationships, even with incontinence. It just takes a bit of open communication and some adjustments.

How to talk about incontinence with your partner

Talking about incontinence can be tough, but it's important to have an open conversation with your partner.

Find a comfortable place to talk about your feelings, concerns, and the impact of incontinence on your life. Be honest about your worries and what support you need.

You can detail the type of incontinence you experience, what the symptoms are and how this could impact intimacy. This is also a good time to express the things you might be nervous about during intimacy. Let your partner know about any equipment you need to manage your condition (such as a catheter) so they know what to expect. If you do use equipment, ask your doctor how to work around them without any damage or impacting your symptoms.

If you’re struggling with feelings of shame or embarrassment, consider seeking help from a therapist or counsellor. They can provide valuable support and tools to help you navigate these challenges.

How to manage incontinence before intimacy

Once you’ve talked things through and feel ready, here are some tips to manage incontinence before intimacy:

• Hydration: Adjust your fluid intake before intimacy as advised by your doctor.

• Bathroom break: Empty your bladder and bowels beforehand to reduce the risk of accidents and UTIs.

• Catheter care: Remove or secure your catheter as needed. For males, consider taping it to the penis and using a condom and lubricant. For females, tape it to the thigh or abdomen.

• Drainage bag: If you use one of these, you can cover it or place it out of sight. Also making sure it’s sealed properly.

• Hygiene: Do any of your hygiene care before intimacy - you can even incorporate it into foreplay. For example, showering with your partner.

• Treatments and Aids: Find out what treatments will help with any spasms or pain associated with intimacy. If you experience hypersensitivity, for example, you can try placing an ice pack on the relevant area prior to intimacy.

• Choose the right moment: There might be certain times of day you notice your incontinence symptoms are more prevalent, so you can choose to be intimate at another time if you want to avoid that.

• Water-based lubricant: For women, water-based lubricant closely mimics the vagina’s natural pH and can help avoid any discomfort or pH-related issues such as thrush.
  
  

By the way, intimacy can mean something different to every couple and doesn’t necessarily have to involve penetrative sex. Other forms of intimacy can include:

• Kissing
• Touching
• Massage

Ways to make intimacy more comfortable with incontinence

There are plenty of ways to make intimacy more comfortable when you have incontinence, for both you and your partner.

Finding the right position

Knowing which sexual positions work for you and prevent discomfort is so important. What’s considered a comfortable position will be different for everyone. We suggest speaking to your doctor or a pelvic physiotherapist to find out which positions will be most comfortable.

Some positions you may find beneficial could include:

• Side-lying positions as they prevent bladder spasms
• Modified missionary using a pillow underneath your pelvis to help support the spine and move pelvic organs out of the way

If you do see a pelvic physiotherapist, they may also recommend some pelvic floor exercises that can help both strengthen and relax your pelvic floor to help with bladder or bowel control and manage any discomfort during sex.

Waterproof bed and furniture protectors

Waterproof bed and furniture protectors are great for an added line of defence if you’re concerned about leaks or mess during intimacy.

Simply place one on top of your bedsheet and you’ll have peace of mind that any leaks will be absorbed. You can then dispose of the protector if it’s not reusable, or throw the washable version in the washing machine between uses.

Mood enhancers

If you’re worried about any incontinence-related odours that might dampen your mood, light some scented candles.

These will enhance the romance and mask any potential smells. Just be sure to keep those candles away from anything flammable and where they won’t get knocked over!

Music is another great mood booster, and can also help you to relax and let go of any tension or stress you might have.

Medications

Some medications can affect sex drive and worsen incontinence. Talk to your doctor about any concerns you have. They can recommend alternative medications or strategies to help you manage your symptoms and enjoy intimacy.

What to do if you're struggling with incontinence and intimacy

If you're feeling overwhelmed or anxious, reach out to a therapist, counsellor, or doctor. They can offer support and practical advice to help you overcome emotional challenges and improve your intimacy.

You might also find comfort in online communities where people with incontinence share their experiences. However, remember that these communities aren't a substitute for professional advice.

For any physical challenges, consult your doctor for guidance and treatment options.